So you all know that I’m into
capital murder cases, right? Well in case you didn’t, you now know my guilty
pleasure. That’s right, I have a completely dependent relationship with one
Miss Nancy Grace every evening at 7. Upon our latest not-so-secret liaison last
week, Nancy was ranting and raving about her latest witch hunt involving a
woman and the unfortunate demise of her former other half. Naturally, my eyes
were glued to the television while taking in every tabloid detail. While Nancy
played the gripping testimony from the courtroom, I found myself particularly
shaken by the defendant’s account of what happened that fateful day. My disturbance,
however, wasn’t from some gruesome account full of blood and guts, but of the revelation
that the crime scene involved… a Lovesac. That’s right folks, before the
perpetrator supposedly made mince-meat of her better half, it was revealed the
poor guy owned… a Lovesac.
For anyone who doesn’t know what a Lovesac is, proceed with
caution. A Lovesac is essentially the new millenium’s answer to a bean bag
chair. What’s even more shocking is that apparently people still own and use
them for a legitimate seating solution. You may have thought that the bean bag
chair was extinct, like the Dodo bird or something. I’m afraid not folks. The Lovesac
admittance led me to a realization about a major social problem in our nation:
There are too many unacceptable seating options out there. From futons to
folding chairs, fully developed, functioning human adults are still inviting
over guests and offering them patio furniture to sit in while they sip their
wine in the living room. My mission, as your homeboy, for this week’s entry is
to offer sound alternatives to the furniture felonies you may be guilty of.
Design crime #1: The Lovesac- You should never sit on
something with “sac” in the title.
If you own a Lovesac, or any incarnation of it, it’s time to
let the cat out of the bag- the bean bag, that is. This classic staple is
officially stale, homies. Rather than offering company a random squishy vortex
to awkwardly settle into, try implementing this Pouf. The pouf is a more sturdy
option that still gives the effortless feeling of the Lovesac. Try it in a
funky, ethnic print to make a statement, even when simply adorning the corner
of your living room.
Design crime #2: The La-Z-Boy- You’re not in the cast of
Friends. Accept it.
Yep, It’s called a La-Z-Boy for a reason. Though we all
secretly pretend to be a part of the real-life version of Friends, the boyish
charm of Joey and Chandler’s apartment doesn’t cut it in the real world. My suggestion?
Immediately put the old recliner on Craigslist and opt for a more updated look.
Don’t freak out boys, this piece I found does recline, yet is much more
tailored and finished with a gorgeous brown leather. Think of furniture like
clothes: The majority of your wardrobe should be tailored and well-fit, with
the occasional statement piece.
Design crime #3: The Futon- Is neither a Fu or a Ton.
Discuss.
Just when you thought you’d left all of you college evidence
behind, this little gem serves as a constant reminder of making out with that
guy from your astronomy class on the “couch” that folds down into a “bed” that
folds back up into a “couch”. Leave the Futon with the red plastic cups and the
beer bong and move into adulthood with alternate seating. If it’s space that
you’re concerned with, there are so many retailers these days who design
small-scale furniture to accommodate your tight-fitting apartment. This sofa I’ve
selected for you is sleek and mature, while at the same time guaranteed to accommodate
minimal square footage.
Design crime #4: The metal folding chair- White trash
industrial chic.
These actually still exist and are still actually being used
consciously by people in their dining rooms. It’s as if the goal is to live in
some constant poker night purgatory. If it has to be metal, take a chance with
this wire-mesh basket chair available at Bed Bath & Beyond. It’s contemporary
and fun while not taking itself too seriously.
Design Crime #5: The statement piece- The shoe does not fit.
No matter how fabulous you think you are, drag queens are
the only people who should own shoes this big. If you’re looking for a
high-energy statement piece, embrace color in a less Charlotte Russe-ey way. I’ve
found this super sexy piece from Horchow that will bring vibrancy to any area
of the house, while blending with your other pieces.
Hopefully with these ulterior motives you can avoid any
incriminating design situations.
Homeboy.
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